Ok so I have been awfully quiet over the last few months. But contrary to popular belief my mind has been racing. Hard at work, and forever contemplating, my latest dilemma is yet to occur but with the impending move abroad, completion of my studies and the reason behind my impending move, well you can imagine it’s a fair bit to process. So here goes, I figure I have to announce it all sometime, so as they say “read all about it.”
I am nervous. Terrified. Who knows what one can expect. Many people say life is about taking the plunge into the unforeseeable. Nose-diving into that sea of surprise, hoping to whatever God you pray to that your prior excitement will provide enough fuel to spur you on your journey not just temporarily, but in its entirety. What if you fail? What if you come back to square one with your tail dangling between your legs? Do you really take that chance and hope that you prevail?
Looking at myself that morning in the mirror I was confident. I am confident. I may sit and dwell for hours on end, procrastinating longer than a broker tossing up between pork bellies or orange juice. Nothing in life can prepare me for what I am about to embark upon. Nothing can control what may happen. If I take the chance the tunnel’s end seems so far. But if I don’t take this chance, then will I regret it?
In life it seems the fuel that provides the most fire is love. Corny? Tacky? Cheesy? I know right, all the aforementioned are highly likely to run through your heads, but believe it or not, its fucking true. As human beings we are nothing without it and some may say that everything we do in our lives revolves around it. I don’t think nothing is scarier than the fear of losing love. The love of a best friend, family member or partner.
We make decisions in life and it is said, we are defined by our actions, providing the nucleus for whom we turn out to be. If this is who I am, then why the fuck am I so petrified? Is this natural?
All around me I see the negativity of love. The cons seemingly outweighing the pros, questioning every fabric of my being. Why am I going ahead with this? Why walk away from the comfort of home, family and friends? Am I that insane? Do I think I know why? Or am I that sure of this decision? I can always return home right? Surely it is this simple? All these questions and more constantly run through my head like a London tube service.
Plunging into that abyss may be exciting, sliding down the spiral almost like it is another time warp, whisking away everything that is so monotone in my life. Everything that has become predictable and downright boring. But beneath it all, I feel fear beyond anything I have ever experienced. I cling to the feelings I have to keep me moving forward. I yearn for her sweet smell, hearing her laugh everyday, even though it may be at my expense. It eases the fear, calms the nerves. It gives me a purpose in my sordid and uneventful life thus far. I look forward to those moments where I can share the successes of our lives together. One day, looking back on this decision and having no regrets, hoping that all this apprehension and fear was a mere afterthought, nothing more than commitment jitters.
I cling to all of this. I know my tiresome journey to find ones cataclysmic counterpoint ends here. The feelings are jubilant and euphoric, giving me all the pleasure I previously hid from and disobeyed like a serial felon. Doing whatever necessary to ensure we are successful, no more pain or suffering. Far too much tears have been shed thinking about this. I have made my decision. I wont give up. I won’t surrender to what is merely simple and convenient. This decision will shape not just my entire life, but also any thought of adding an ‘our’ to life rests purely on this decision. This is life and my journey, however uneven it may be, it will lead to light at the tunnels end.
I sit patiently at the airport. Back to present day, the realisation of my decision. I immediately think, “oh fuck me.” But this time, a smile begins to form; I privately extend my mouths end towards my ears and chuckle. Wondering about the complexities of life and what tomorrow will bring. Again I am scared. Fear starts to race through me once again, almost like it’s running the second heat for Olympic trials.
I think of nothing more than twirling her in my arms in the arrivals hall, depleting the fear I feel. Holding her so close that her lightly scented perfume rubs off on me. I take that plunge with gay abandon, oblivious to the weeks ahead and those strange faces beaming my way in the arrival hall. I contemplate everything from what I will do when I see her again to what will be when the time comes to take that plunge into the unknown.
Love. The most enigmatic of emotions, but the most satisfying one that can sear through the human heart and I love her. I will not let her go.
